After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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