I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
