I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
