my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
