Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
