I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
