He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
