I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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