he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
