Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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