Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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