he wants to bone in the snuggie
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
