I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
