I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
