my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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