areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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