My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
