There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
