Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
