I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
