I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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