You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
