I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
