john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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