i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
