id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize