proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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