Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
