Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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