u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
