How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
