i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize