Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
