I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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