I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
