Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
