I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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