I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you will always have a special place in my vag
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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