jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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