I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
40s are totally the cure
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
