Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
