I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize