1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
