I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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