If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Found the puke drawer
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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