new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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