Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize