When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize