She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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