The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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