It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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