I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
two words: eviction party
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
