im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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