i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
