I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
