The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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