My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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