the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
