i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
