Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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