I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
