she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
