Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize