i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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